‘The Hills’: Don’t act innocent, Stephanie
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When we last left our lovely The Hills women, Spencer and Heidi were living together and she hadn’t told mom and dad; Doug and Lauren broke up and he stepped out with Stephanie; and Lauren felt betrayed for always sticking up for Stephanie.
At the gym, Whitney and Lauren talk about the Steph/Doug stuff… with Lauren’s trainer? Kick-boxing partner? Super-cute dude that she should totally smooch? He advises that you don’t go out with your friend’s ex without having the stamp of approval. Amen, broth
er. Hey, are you single?
At FIDM, Lauren is sitting outside and Stephanie comes flouncing up. Lauren comes out with guns blazing by immediately bringing up Doug. Steph lamely says Doug “came out of left-field… taking advantage of… using me to make you jealous… not going to call him.” Wow, that is some incredible word-salad right there, Stephanie. There is also apparently a party at Doug’s that Stephanie is still attending.
House of Loneliness and Tears: Heidi and Holly do dishes while Spencer mopes/pouts. Mama Montag arrives and the girls are thrilled and Spencer is clearly put out. Mama Montag is totally beautiful, by the way. She isn’t bleached blonde like her daughters and appears to have on very little make-up and is VERY pretty.
Anyway, Mama Montag is kind of annoyed she didn’t know about Spencer until Holly told her. She wanted to have this conversation alone and not right when she got there and in front of Spencer (and presumably the cameras). She asks Spencer if they can have lunch together, just the two of them. Spencer looks thrilled. Tear him a new one, Mama Montag!
Doug and Stephanie meet at a bar and talk about Lauren. Doug says Steph didn’t do anything wrong and that she should still come to his party. That’s… not entirely true, but whatever Doug. Stephanie wants to “come up with something” about them. A cover story of sorts, which sure makes it sound like she is “doing nothing wrong.” They decide to leave the bar and watch a DVD and they make these faces at each other that say, “Let’s go have wild monkey sex RIGHT NOW.” At least that’s what the looks said to me.
At People’s Evolution, Lauren and Whitney talk about Steph. Lauren says, “It’s fine,” which is girl-code for “It is not at all effing fine. AT ALL.” They’re all heading to Doug’s barbeque, though, which better have a good payoff. I want a slap-fight and someone falling in the pool. There’s a pool, right? There has to be a pool.
Brody and Doug hang out on a balcony and chat (yeah, that’s totally what guys do) and Brody calls him “Shady Guy.” Snerk. Doug says he wanted only to be friends with Steph but Steph was booty calling him. That’s not the impression I got from the looks you were giving Steph at the bar before the commercial break, but whatever Doug.
Mama Montag and Spencer head out to lunch Thunderdome. Two Hills characters enter, one Hills character leaves. Mama brings up Holly staying with them and how nice it is to let her stay. Spencer snots that it was nice of Heidi but he was against it. Way to score points with your girlfriend’s mom, dude. Is he retarded? I mean that seriously. Is he mentally challenged?
Spencer and Mama have a pretty good little snit-fit about Holly’s life and she calls him “controlling and manipulative.” DING DING DING DING! Mama Montag is my new favorite character! He condescendingly calls her “my dear” and AS I TYPE THE WORD “CONDESCENDING” SHE CALLS HIM CONDESCENDING! Spin-off for Mama Montag! I must commend her self-restraint at not slapping that little smirk off his rat face. I don’t believe I could’ve shown such restraint.
Doug’s BBQ: Frankie swims, Lauren hangs, Audrina and faux K-Fed arrive. There is a gratuitous shot of Audrina stripping to her bikini and HOLY MOTHER look at her boobs! DAYUM, GIRL! The boys jump in the pool and splash the girls and what on earth is Whitney wearing? Doesn’t she work in FASHION? I think my grandma had a swimming suit like that back in 1968. I don’t mean that as a compliment.
Brody confronts Stephanie about having some nerve showing up. He says he was right all along about Lauren not trusting her. Stephanie says she wasn’t trying to date Doug but Brody calls her on her lie because he saw the late-night-booty-call text messages. Whitney thinks it was inappropriate that he yelled at her and Lauren is uncomfortable and wants to leave.
Heidi and Mama Montag go out for lunch. They discuss the Spencer and Holly situation. Heidi pulls a “this is my life” and Mama says that Spencer is rude, condescending and sarcastic. She then says, “Maybe he doesn’t want you to be as close to your family.” OH MY GOD, YES! That’s what crazy, controlling, abusive boyfriends DO! Mama Montag is the smartest one on this show. She cries a little and says she doesn’t want to lose Heidi and just wants her to be happy. Awww. Maybe that’ll be a wake-up call for Heidi.
At the BBQ, Stephanie heads upstairs and sits in Doug’s room. Doug confronts Lauren about why he can’t have dinner with a friend. She wants to know what else went on and how many dates they’ve been on. The boys tell Doug he should not have gone to dinner, that he isn’t friends with Steph and that he lied to them about it and had to get busted by Brody’s mom.
Stephanie cries to Lauren inside the house about the boys coming in between them. Lauren says that Steph and Doug shouldn’t have done what they did. Stephanie starts crying and apologizing and Lauren leaves. Oooh, dramatic exits are the best.
